First dates that fit a busy working week

Why short beats grand

A short first date protects your time, your safety and the chance of a second date. A long dinner is a lot to commit to with someone you have only messaged, and it is hard to leave politely if the spark isn't there. A first meeting with a natural end point lets you both part well, and if it goes well, the second date has something to build on.

Short first dates are also safer. A busy public place in daylight or early evening, with your own way home, is the right setting for meeting someone whose details nobody has verified. Our safety guide covers the essentials.

First-date formats at a glance

Most first dates fall into a handful of formats, and each suits a different diary. Pick the one that fits your week rather than the one that sounds most impressive.

Before work: the breakfast meeting

Breakfast is underrated. People are fresh, nobody is drinking, and the meeting ends itself when the working day begins. A café or hotel lobby near a station works well, and an 8am start leaves both of you at your desks by half past nine.

It suits early risers, people who travel in from out of town, and anyone who prefers to keep evenings for family.

The lunch hour

A lunch-hour date has a built-in limit, which takes the pressure off. A few ideas:

• A walk and a coffee. A park, a riverside or a garden square near your office. Walking side by side makes conversation easier than sitting opposite each other.
• A quick lunch somewhere with counter seating. Less formal than a table for two, and easy to keep to an hour.
• A lunchtime concert or talk. Many churches, colleges and cultural venues in city centres run them, and some are free. It gives you something to talk about afterwards.

Say at the outset that you have an hour. "I've a 2pm, but I'd love to meet for lunch" sounds organised, not dismissive.

After work

The early-evening drink is the classic for a reason: it fits between the office and home, and it can end after one glass or turn into dinner. Choose a bar or hotel lounge where you can hear each other, and arrive under your own steam.

Other options that suit a 6pm finish:

• A gallery or museum late opening. Many city galleries open late one evening a week. Wandering through an exhibition gives you plenty to talk about and an easy exit.
• An early theatre or concert, followed by a short drink. Better as a second date than a first, since you can't talk during the performance.
• A walk at dusk in summer, ending somewhere for a drink.

Weekends, if you would rather

Not everyone wants to date around work. A Saturday morning coffee, a walk with a stop for lunch, or a farmers' market all have the same useful qualities: public, relaxed and easy to extend or end. If you have stepped back from full-time work and your match hasn't, dating when you've stepped back from full-time work looks at matching two different diaries.

Setting it up without a dozen messages

Offer two specific options once you have chatted enough to want to meet and had a short video call. Busy people lose good matches to scheduling, and an open "when are you free?" can run to a dozen messages.

Example messages, to adapt:

• Proposing: "I've enjoyed talking. Would you like to meet? I could do Thursday lunch near Bank, or a drink on Monday after six."
• Confirming: "Looking forward to tomorrow. I'll be at the café on the corner at 12.30, by the window."
• Moving it once: "I'm sorry, a meeting has moved and I can't make Thursday. Could we do Friday at the same time instead?"

Confirm the day before, share the details with a friend, and don't move a first date more than once. If the other person keeps rearranging, they are telling you something about their priorities, or about whether they are who they say.

A two-minute safety checklist

A few minutes of preparation covers most of the risk of meeting someone new.

1. Have a short video call first, to confirm they look like their photos.
2. Choose the venue yourself, somewhere busy that you know.
3. Tell a friend who you are meeting, where and when, and agree a time to check in.
4. Travel independently, and know how you are getting home.
5. Keep your drink with you, and don't feel obliged to go anywhere else afterwards.

If the date isn't going well

You can leave any date, at any time, without a reason. A simple "It's been nice to meet you, but I'm going to head off" is enough. If you have told them about a fixed end time, use it.

If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, speak to the staff. Many bars and venues in the UK take part in Ask for Angela, a scheme in which asking staff for "Angela" tells them, discreetly, that you need help to leave. If you are in danger, call the emergency services: 999 in the UK, 911 in the US, 000 in Australia.

After the date

A short message the same evening or the next day is all that is needed, whichever way it went. For example: "Thank you for today, I really enjoyed it. Would you like to have dinner next week?" Or, kindly: "It was lovely to meet you, but I didn't feel the spark I'm looking for. I wish you well."

Keeping work and dating apart

Choose somewhere a short walk from your office rather than the place your colleagues use. Don't share your work email or desk number, and keep your employer's name out of early conversations. The guide to dating discreetly when people know your name goes into this, and dating as a high earner covers who pays and how much to reveal.

If your week involves travel, see dating when your job keeps you travelling. And if you are new to the site, how Elite Mature Mingle works explains the steps from profile to first message.