Dating discreetly when people know your name

Discretion, in dating, means controlling who learns what about you and when. It is not secrecy: the aim is to be fully honest with the people you date, while keeping your name, work and private life out of view of strangers until you choose otherwise.

Start from a simple assumption

Write your profile as if a colleague, a client or a journalist might read it. Most won't, but some could. Elite Mature Mingle shares one member database with partner sites in the same network, so your profile is seen by more people than this site's members alone, and each profile shows the site its owner joined from. How it works explains the network.

That does not mean writing something bland. It means writing something you would be comfortable defending: warm, honest, and free of details that identify you to a stranger.

What to leave off your profile

Leave out anything a stranger could type into a search engine to find your full name. The table gives examples of details that identify you, and alternatives that say enough.

Choosing photos

Pick recent, clear photos that look like you, then check they don't lead anywhere. A photo used on your company website, LinkedIn or in a press release can be matched by a reverse image search, which takes a stranger straight to your full name.

A quick check before you upload:

1. Use pictures that don't appear elsewhere online. A new photo taken by a friend is ideal.
2. Run a reverse image search on each one to confirm nothing comes up.
3. Look at the background. An office window, a recognisable building, a team logo or a car registration can all identify you.
4. Avoid pictures with other people in them, who haven't agreed to appear on a dating site.

Every photo on the site is reviewed against the image policy, but a review checks the rules, not your privacy; that part is up to you. What is checked on profiles has the detail.

When to tell a match who you are

Tell a match who you are once you have met and feel you can trust them. There is a balance between discretion and honesty: being vague for the first few messages is normal, but misleading someone about your life once you are dating is not, and it tends to come out.

A sensible sequence:

1. Messages: a general description of your work and life.
2. Video call: you, as you are. Still no need for your surname or employer.
3. First or second date: once you feel comfortable, tell them what you do and why you keep it low-key online. Most people take it well, and how they react is useful information.

An example of how to put it: "I didn't put this on my profile because my name is fairly searchable, but I run a regional newspaper. I'd rather people got to know me first."

If someone works out who you are before you tell them, it isn't necessarily sinister; people search names. But if they start asking about your money, contacts or influence, take note.

If you come across someone you know

Sooner or later you may see the profile of a colleague, a client or a neighbour. The courteous response is to move on and say nothing, at work or anywhere else; they are entitled to the same discretion you want for yourself.

If they message you, a brief, friendly reply keeps things easy: "Hello, nice to see a familiar face. I think we're best as colleagues, but good luck." If anyone uses what they have seen on a dating site to embarrass or pressure you, keep a record and report their profile.

Protecting private images and conversations

Don't share intimate photos or video with anyone you have not met and come to trust, and never on a video call with someone new. Sextortion, where someone threatens to share private images unless you pay, targets people with reputations to protect.

If it happens:

1. Don't pay, and don't negotiate. Paying rarely ends the demands.
2. Stop contact, but don't delete the conversation.
3. Keep the evidence: screenshots of the messages, the profile and any payment details.
4. Report the profile from inside the members area, or through the contact page.
5. Report it to the police or the official service where you live.

Be thoughtful about what you write, too. Messages can be screenshotted. Keep anything you would not want quoted for when you know someone well.

Keeping work and dating separate

Keep dating on personal accounts and away from places colleagues go. A few habits do most of the work:

• Use a personal email address and phone, not work ones.
• Don't connect on professional networks until you are in a relationship.
• Meet somewhere colleagues don't go; see first dates that fit a busy working week.
• If you travel for work, keep client and trip details to yourself; the guide to dating when your job keeps you travelling covers this.
• If your public profile comes with wealth, dating as a high earner covers how much to reveal about money.

When discretion is being used against you

Discretion should protect you, not isolate you. Be wary of a match who insists the relationship stay secret from your friends, who discourages you from telling anyone, or who hints that they could embarrass you. These are tactics fraudsters and abusers use.

Tell at least one trusted friend who you are seeing, even if nobody else knows yet. If you have lost money or are being threatened, the safety guide explains how to report a scam in the UK, the US and Australia.